Dealing With Difficult People – My Personal “Saving Mr. Banks” Story

By Al Anderson

NOTE: This article was originally published in the Shortlist in March of 2014. Although the movie it references is now more than ten years old, it is still well worth seeing. And, of course, the subject matter of this article can unfortunately never go out of date.

I think that every professional should see the movie Saving Mr. Banks. I know that many might think of it as just another sappy Disney story, but, if you strip out the Hollywood angle, it’s a classic tale about dealing with difficult people in the workplace.

The story is about the making of the 1964 movie, Mary Poppins. Walt Disney (the man) for years had been eager to make a movie based on the book by Ms. P.L. Travers. The problem is that P.L. Travers is a complicated, difficult woman. Finally, Ms. Travers is short of money and agrees to sign over the rights to her book as long as she can come to Hollywood and work directly with the creative team to make sure she’s satisfied with their plans for the movie.

One day this difficult yet important person arrives for work at the Disney Studio, sort of like a questionable joint venture partner or the relative of a top executive starting work at your firm. If you are a difficult person, Walt’s strategy for dealing with you is abundantly clear: he will overwhelm you with kindness. He will be your best friend, your kindly uncle, and he will do his best to make you so happy that you will eventually do what he wants. 

Unfortunately, none of this works on Ms. Travers. She is not just difficult; she’s irrationally difficult, and all of the team members strain to assuage and accommodate her. She doesn’t approve of Mary Poppins’ singing, she doesn’t want any animation, and she does not want the father to have a mustache. And she does not want the color red in the movie. 

What does Mr. Disney do now? First, he says, “All right, there will be no red in the picture,” and then walks out of the room. Getting distance from a difficult person is a good strategy, but you still have to deal with this person. Mr. Disney wracks his brain: Why isn’t my kindness approach working, and what does this person really want?

He eventually grasps that Ms. Travers thinks the father is the key figure in the story, and not the children or Mary Poppins herself. But why does she think this, and how can he use this to get her on board with the team? I won’t give away the ending, but the problem of dealing with this particularly difficult person is only resolved after Mr. Disney figures out what Ms. Travers really wants and what she needs to hear.

Saving Mr. Banks resonated with me because I once had to deal with an extremely difficult person at work—in fact, that’s partially why I got that job.

In 2005 I applied for a Marketing Coordinator position with an A/E firm, and the Marketing Director was very enthusiastic about hiring me (which seemed reasonable at the time). I soon learned, however, that there was an ulterior motive for some of her enthusiasm—as part of my job, I would have to talk on the phone to our branch manager in Southern California on a regular basis. As it turned out, it had gotten to the point where my predecessor would be in tears every time after talking to this branch manager because he was so abusive! After she left, the two marketing assistants then tried dealing with him, but soon told the Marketing Director that they would quit too if they had to work with him any longer. It was at this moment when I stumbled onto the scene. In retrospect I could understand the Marketing Director’s enthusiasm for me, a man with an easygoing manner—if she couldn’t find someone like me who could take the branch manager’s abuse, she would have to deal with it herself.

I think there was some thought that this gentleman was abusive to women, but to do him justice, he was an equal-opportunity abuser who didn’t let gender stand in the way of going on the attack. Dealing with him was like dealing with a marine drill sergeant who was unusually bad–tempered and unreasonable, and was something of a minimalist when it came to social skills.

How did I deal with him? I realized early on that one of his goals was to get a reaction out of me, so I made it my goal never to react. No matter what outrageous or insulting thing he would say, I would casually respond as if everything was perfectly normal and that I was pleased to hear his input. Basically, I took the fun out of it for him and he eventually got bored of insulting me and became a little easier to take.

In general, I would say the keys to dealing with a difficult person are to:

(1) Take a step back and relax,

(2) Figure out what this difficult person wants, and

(3) Remember that any conflict is about him or her, and doesn’t have anything to do with you (unless you let it).

Try to think of dealing with difficult co-workers not as something negative, where you’re the victim, but as an opportunity for your own personal growth as a person. So, don’t take it personally, keep your emotional distance, and you will survive!