Feature: If Cover Letters Were Honest
Disclaimer: All opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the views of SMPS, the SMPS San Francisco Bay Area Chapter, or even the views of the author if we’re being honest. It’s meant to be satire. Please don’t cancel us. We’re on multiple deadlines.
Cover letters are the prelude to every proposal. When written well, they enable us to make a good first impression on our clients and set the tone for the grand masterpiece that follows.
Ironically, the first words that the client reads (if they read it at all) are almost always the last that were written—a summary, if you will, of the riveting pages of hastily reformatted resumes, outdated project narratives, and an avalanche of forms that they so graciously required.
The letter speaks not of the trials and tribulations that keep Marketers up at night or even the complex realities of project delivery.
But what if it did? What if cover letters said exactly what we truly felt, deep down inside? It would probably look a lot like this:
Dear ____________,
First of all, it literally took us twenty minutes to figure out who to address this letter to (including stalking you on LinkedIn to find your official title) and then another ten minutes debating whether we should use a comma (,) or a colon (:) after your name. We went with the comma, obviously.
We are thrilled to submit our response to your Request for Proposals for this project.
We wouldn’t say “thrilled,” exactly. You should’ve just given us the project off the bat; but hey, we’ll jump through your flaming hoops of SF330 forms and limited liability clauses because we need the money. Gotta get that bag, if you know what I mean.
Your project presents a [insert hyperbolic adjective #1 here] opportunity to create a [insert hyperbolic adjective #2 here] environment for your staff/customers/the community.
Your project will net us X amount of dollars in profit, which we already earmarked in our financial projections for the year.
Our firm has a track record of delivering innovative, high-performing projects for some of the most prominent companies in the industry.
We didn’t say they went well but hey, we delivered them. And bathroom remodels count, right?
We’ve assembled a dedicated team of experts who will work tirelessly on your project.
These people are already tired and they’re the only ones available who are currently working on four projects instead of five. Also, please read their resumes. We spent more time than we should have to try to get their years of experience right. I mean, who knew it changes every year?
Your project is our top priority and our team is committed to working on it 100% of the time.
Our team will work on this project 100% of the time when they’re not busy working 100% of the time on their other four projects.
Moreover, we have partnered with sub-consultants/contractors who we have worked with extensively and successfully in the past to deliver projects of similar scope and size.
These are the subs who don’t piss us off as much, which is why we picked them.
We understand that each project has its own unique set of challenges. Our approach to this project is specifically geared toward helping you achieve your goals.
We copy and pasted the approach section of this proposal from another proposal we did last week because all project approaches are pretty much the same. If we put the CA phase before the DD phase, it won’t make sense. Oh, and if you see another client's name on there, please ignore it. We had like, three other proposals due this week.
Sustainability is a core value of our firm.
It’s really not but we read an SMPS article that told us we should say it anyway.
That said, our team will leverage their decades of experience to deliver your project on time and on budget.
Your budget is a joke (much like this article) and your schedule is the most incredible work of fiction we’ve seen all year. I guess we’ll just have to lowball our fee so you’ll hire us. Then we’ll hit you with all the add-services you forgot to contract us for. Also, ever heard of inflation? Seriously.
We look forward to working with you on this and future projects.
For Pete’s sake, hire us already.
In the meantime, please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions you may have.
Please hesitate. We beg you.
Sincerely,
We’re sincere about those resumes.
___________X_____________
Signed by the highest-paid person on the team who was M.I.A. during this entire proposal process and is making me quietly quit a little bit more each day.
In all seriousness, putting a cover letter together is a good litmus test to determine whether you understood and delivered what the client actually asked for. It assures them that they are in a safe pair of hands and inspires confidence that they are making the right decision in selecting your team for the project. If nothing else, it might be decent enough to get you to the interview… which is next week, by the way, and you’re the first of five firms to present.
Happy writing!
Lance Curt is a Marketing and Communications Consultant, specializing in content development, wordsmithing, and the occasional FAIA recommendation letter. Throughout his decades-long career, he has collaborated with every three-letter firm in the A/E/C industry, among many others. He obtained his MFA in Creative Writing from Cornell University and was voted “most likely to own a cat” by his peers two years in a row.
